Aunt Blogger

Feeling somewhat bored today, and with plenty of time on one's hands, one can't help but think in a slightly more offbeat manner. 

From the commedienne who will never be, yours truly.

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All references are made in a satirical manner and any resemblance are only if you think they are.

Meaning of "satirical" according to dictionary.com

sat·ire

noun

1.

the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.

2.

a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn,derision, or ridicule.

3.

a literary genre comprising such compositions.

Aunt Blogger has never been to school. But she has an array of life experiences being in and out of marriages and love no less than 13 times. She is the expert in all things dealing with life. To her, life is to be savored with a zest. Pointless to live to a hundred with no vibrance. She encourages all to adopt her way of thinking, and answers all your agonizing and awful questions with sensitivity.

Dear Aunt Blogger,

I've asked my boyfriend many times if I am fat, and he says "NO" all the time. Is he lying?

Jessianne

Dear Jessianne,

Your name alone sounds fat to me. I am sure that you are even though we have not met. Never believe a man who says you are not fat. he is merely humoring you. I suggest you see a personal trainer promptu, or an aesthetic surgeon. In the absence of both do change your mirror to the sort that hangs on the walls of fashion stores. the highly deceiving kind. Take care.

Yours truly, Aunt Blogger

Dear Aunt Blogger,

I can only afford a Hyundai Getz, but my wife insists that it is not a sexy car and she wants a Beemer convertible. I suspect she is seeing someone else who is driving that car. How can I be sure?

Koon Ming

Dear Koon Ming,

You are really "koon-ning" this time. It is certain that your wife is seeing someone more sexy than you are, for one refers to person or figures as "sexy" and never cars or couches or shoes. I only have one suggestion for you. Buy that convertible and keep your wife, or risk her leaving you faster than you can ever drive your Hyundai around. Take care.

Yours truly, Aunt Blogger

Dear Aunt Blogger,

I am meeting my future in-laws who are from out of town and I have a feeling they won't like me. How can I impress them?

Chatias

Dear Chatias,

I am not sure if I should chastise, rebuke or reprimand you. You haven't even met them and you trust your inner instincts that they will dislike you. In that case I am most sure that they will loathe you. Nobody likes anyone who has their esteem on the floor anyway. Well, I suppose a meal atop the highest building will boost the impression factor. In the event they do show their displeasure, show them the windows, tell them this is the local way of greeting the elderly, sans the parachutes. Take care.

Yours truly, Aunt Blogger.

Dear Aunt Blogger,

I am a vegetarian but my boyfriend wants me to roast him a turkey for Christmas in exchange for a branded handbag. I am not sure if I want that bag that badly to lie.

Chantel

Dear Chantel, you have no idea how desirable that Chanel is, and definitely worth that cheating. Go to Cold Storage, unwrap and discard all visible signs of that roast turkey in packaging, put into an aluminum foil, leave that unfortunate game in the oven, and when he has arrived in your home, ask for his assistance to remove the birdie from the oven, and viola! You'll get your bag on Boxing Day! Take care.

Yours truly, Aunt Blogger.

Dear Aunt Blogger,

It is hazy where I am living now due to the forest fires and I am unsure if I should hate the country who caused it even though their head has apologized. Should I wear a surgical or N95 mask?

Singa Leo


Dear Singa Leo,

Is that your real name? It sounds dreadful! Please wear your N95, the kind worn by millers commercially. Protect your lungs, you can sell them for a fortune someday. I know your country of origin. It has been the talk of all in amazon.com of late, thanks to the wealth of your nation in procuring the N95s by the tens of thousands. Someone care to explain "kiasu-ism?" I didn't quite understand why they said you had to buy cartons of heavy-duty masks? The leader didn't apologize, you got it all wrong. He was shedding crocodile tears. I wish you luck, and health. Take care.

Yours satirically, Aunt Blogger